The biggest question I asked myself

Am I gay?

That is the question a lot people ask themself one day but for me it was not just a question anymore is was a development.

I was around 12/13 years old , I sat in the second class of high school (Netherlands school system) and I became friends with a girl , we became really good friends. But I wondered why I liked her so much. I wanted to be around her all the time and when she was not around I got sad. Of course that is why you are friends right? But is it only friendship or was it more? That is what I asked myself all the time when I was with her.

Me gay?That was not possible. I had been in love with boys, right? Or was it just me telling myself that I was? Was it love or was it just because people told me”that boy is cute” or ”that boy seems to like you”. I was just acting like everyone was , I was acting straight and I liked boys…

But my feelings for this girl got stronger with the day, I told myself ”neh you are not gay you just admire her a lot” ”but isn’t that not something for famous people like: Kristen Steward or Emma Watson. Those I really admire.” ”So what they are female but im not gay? Right?”

Or am I ?
This thoughts were going on for a while, and finally I accepted that is was love what I felt for this girl, but only for her right? I was still in denial that I was possible gay. I was only in love with this girl and I will not fall in love with other girls.

But when I walked to the hallways on school a caught myself staring at other girls. Also on tv in the city everywere. And then I knew it after a good talk with myself.

Foto door Hamann La op


It took a while for me to accept the fact that I was gay, but I was. I couldn’t change that fact. This is me. Now I am really proud. I have not always been that proud , I have hide it in the beginning but after I told my best friend. I felt safe to be openly gay.

Foto door Rosemary Ketchum op

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