Too scared to fail

As I may have told you all before I have performance anxiety.

This week it is worse than other times. I make long and hard days at work because we are on exercise in Germany. We must do everything right otherwise the exercise will not be a success. So you understand that it can be hard for someone with performance anxiety.

It is even getting so bad that when someone tells me that I did something wrong that I feel the tears coming and that feeling is so fucking fucked up. It really hurts. It makes me angry at myself at others, frustrated and scared to just do my job. I get nervous and I don’t know what to say. When I think about the mistake again I almost start to cry.

Other people already have forgotten the mistake but I will remember it all day and maybe the whole week.

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to have these feelings. But how harder I try. How harder the feelings will hit me.

Just leave me and let me do my job.

I work hard and I do my best. Making mistakes is a part of life. That is what I tell myself.

I think I just need to hear it from others but they are busy too. They need to make sure they don’t mess it up.

I try to tell myself that I just need to do what I can and enjoy it. And don’t get me wrong this is a great job. We have must fun and I have a great time.

But the anxiety is so fucking frustrating.

And I have the feeling nobody gets it. Nobody understands why I shut down when someone tells me about that mistake. I wish I could defend myself I wish I could explain myself. But I can’t because I know that I will get stressed and emotional.

But it will get better. I will learn to deal with it and when I find a way I will share it with you.

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